The room is dark.
I sit with my legs stretched out in front of me and my back resting against the door.
There is a gentle glow from the reading light attached to my kindle and a few streams of light peeking around the closet curtains.
My phone rests on the floor as it streams tender piano notes from my classical Pandora station.
A soft touch with my thumb flips the page on my kindle as I quietly soak my heart in the encouraging words of Sally Clarkson.
Through the bed rails to my right I see the long lashed eye lids of my 5-year-old flutter as sleep settles over him. His body is relaxed. His little mind is calm. The setting is serene.
But just moments before it had been filled with tears and fears and desperate pleas for me to stay by his side. It was a moment full of anxiety and struggle.
Am I doing the right thing staying by his side until sleep makes him unaware? Will I only foster bad habits rather than independence? Is this being a loving mother or am I enabling sinful character traits?
The questions haunt my mind as I sit uncomfortably on the hard floor.
In that moment I cry.
Not with tears and audible distress…but with a silent plea poured out to the listening ears of my Heavenly Father. And it’s in that moment that He gently brings to my mind verse after verse of His assurance that He is with me.
When I’m brave. And when I’m afraid.
He never leaves my side. He holds my hand…strengthens me with His grace to not be afraid.
I change my position just a bit to get a little more comfortable. I close my eyes and breath in the stillness. And I find encouragement rather than condemnation in the fact that my presence is bringing calm to my weary son’s heart just like my Father’s presence brings rest to my jittery heart.
Others may disagree. They may see bad habits, a “mama’s boy”, and too much reliance. And that’s okay. Others don’t have to approve of my motherhood.
And tonight He is using me as a mother to demonstrate His abundant grace of presence.
Soon little snores drift from the pillow and I get up and move on with my evening. But I am filled with gratitude for God’s constant presence in my life and as I prepare to rest my head tonight, accepting His gift of sleep, I am calm and relaxed because He’s here. Watching over me.
I look forward to tomorrow night when I can once again talk to my little boy about how God is with Him all the time. Just like Mama sitting on the floor at the end of the bed. But always.